I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.