I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
we’re gonna need another temp
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.