Ken is short for chicken
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!