[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!