If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
much to think about
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…