if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
me opening up to someone
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.