Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!