Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Holy shit he’s back
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.