Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing