A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
We need to put an American base on the sun
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.