Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Lol
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you