my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation