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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen