[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!