Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I enjoy a good short stor
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’ve been drinking.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen