honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Mood.. 😂
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.