Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.