A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Why is this me 😫
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*has no idea what a book even is*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient