Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
And then there were 4