ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You Might Also Like
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots