I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.