Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Nice try, poison.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
me, too, girl. me, too.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies