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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.