my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
All. The. Damn. Time.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
why I oughta
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.