Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
notice
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Dolls on drugs
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.