Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click