how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
And that about sums it up.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th