Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right