Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.