[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
How do I rate our solar system?
One star