T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
🛁
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier