little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”