[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
No email needs to tell me not to reply.