I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I support this random dude and all his protests
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.