[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Current mood: Potato
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this