I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.