Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Why is everyone getting married at me
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Awesome parenting 😂