Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.