Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Yoga Matt
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.