Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work