If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?