[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.