My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8