Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late