Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.