Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.