Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.