“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
bad news gang
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
this is literally a CIA plant