Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?