IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
You Might Also Like
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Lmao 🤣
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.